image by mandj98

I LOVE MAN VS FOOD!!!!!  I had some episodes of the Travel Channel show recorded, so last night I made it a point to watch the latest one.  Adam goes to Boston to tackle the 12 pound Eagle’s burger challenge.  12 fucking pounds.  Now any other time that would make me sick to my stomach, but for some reason, I want to eat everything he inhales on this show.  I am sitting there watching them stack this tower of beef, bacon and cheese and all I can think about is,

“How far is the closest Burger King?”

So I woke up this morning with a jones for some meat and not in the sexy way.  My goal for this glorious Saturday is too stuff as much food in my face as possible.  Slightly sad, but overall pretty attainable goal.  I am starting the day off with a Subway footlong… Spicy Italian, yum.  Hey don’t judge me!  I got it on whole wheat!

The man meat in my life is going ice fishing today.  If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll bring back some yummy fish.  Mmmm, fried fish.  Go!  Provide for your woman!

What are you up to for your weekend of gluttonous behavior?

image by bbaunach

I just posted about the new show Chopped that premiered last night.  Blech.  What I am really wondering is what is going on with the programming?  I can tune in any time of day and have no clue half of the shows they are plugging.  Who are these people?  Okay, I know who some of them are, but why do they have their own show?  I would like to think we, the viewer, have some sort of voice in what we are subjected to on air.  

Ann Burrell.  She is Mario Batali’s sous chef on Iron Chef America.  She looks like a goofy Cabbage Patch Doll… that can make pasta dough.  Seriously, Secrets of a Restaurant Chef?  I don’t want to know their secrets.  I want them to cook good food.  Period. 

Now Sunny Anderson already annoys me.  No one is that peppy.  Leave being cute for puppies and little kids.  They do a much better job.  Cooking for Real?  Versus what?  Conjuring food out of a cauldron with Harry Potter?  Lame. 

I know there are so many more shows that I can’t even begin to think about.  Big Daddy’s House is already making me record every show on Food Network just so I can fast forward through the advertisements.  Next Food Network Star needs to work on creating a star… other then Guy Fieri (the network’s work horse), the winners that have kind of sucked.  For experts, they are expertly stinking up that network. 

Bring back the good stuff!!  I loved Alton’s Feasting On Waves although it was just a short mini series.  Thank God for Good Eatsor there would be nothing worthwhile on primetime for them.  I would love for them to revive Good Eats, I know it had a long run, but some new ones might be just the thing given Alton Brown’s huge following.

I will say Ultimate Recipe Showdownis pretty rad.  The man who won the burger episode was a legally blind, retired plastic surgeon.  I love it!!!!  Once again hosted by Guy Fieri.  Does that man see his family?  Or are they all robots?

What are some other shows you would like to see more/less of?  If I have to watch the Neely’s practically mount one another on screen one more time, I’m going on strike.

Corndog is the protector of the lair, occasional pillow and all around cutest stuffy ever.  I mean it, EVER.

People love naming things after quirky shit, but I love when people call things after food.  Gweneth Paltrow named her kid Apple.  I named my stuffed manatee Corndog. 

More things should be called after food.  Terms of endearments are my fave.  Honey.  Sweetie. (ok that is a candy, but I don’t care)  Pumpkin.  Sugar.  Love muffin.

But those are nice words.  Shouldn’t there be some food words for the not so nice?  Would my friends be pissed if I called them custards?  “You fucking custard, you never rang me back!”  Or, “Hey, who invited the melon?”  Muffin top should be banned, whoever came up with that, I’ll find you… or I’ll get thin again, whatever. 

People used to call things the bees knees and the cat’s pajamas?  Fucking pajamas people.  So who is to say there couldn’t be some foodie terms?  “That new sofa of yours is just so squash!”  Or, “Listen to this song, I think it is the risotto.” 

Maybe I’m rambling or maybe I have pepper mouth.  (giggle)  Or maybe I am onto something.  Trends have to start somewhere, why not this hot potato?

P.S.  I thought if I got a dog I would name him Tom Jones.  I am seriously thinking of putting Lasagne in the running.

I would love to hear some foodie puns of your own. Submit what you think is just so gooseberry you want to share it with the world… or at least the people who read this craziness.

So I get an email from my beau.  No I love you, just a link and a question. 

“Bacon bra?” 

I hope he just wanted me to laugh, but I have a feeling there a some pork issues to look in to.

The link has a great slideshow of bacon products.  Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. (wink)

image by Neeta Lind

Where the hell did my show go?  I am an avid fan of Top Chef, but after the bullshit they aired last night it makes me wonder, why are the producers ruining the show?

I don’t give a shit if Hosea and Leah like one another.  I don’t care if Stefan digs lesbians.  Fabio and Stefan, albeit a very cute couple, do not make me tune in.  Does this nonsense make the show fun?  Yes.  But when frivolous personal relationships start affecting who gets thrown off, it chaps my bottom. 

I understand that Ariane messed up, she butchered the meat (pardon the pun) and couldn’t tie a roast for shit.  At least she cooked something.  If I had to choose between someone who messed up what they cooked versus someone who played googly eyes the whole time and then didn’t seem the give a shit for not cooking, my vote goes for the prior.  It’s called Top Chef, not Top of Any Guy For Screen Time.  Love the scenes for next week where Leah and Hosea finally hook up and completely negate why the hell they are in that house.  Good job douchebags!!  Oh yeah Hosea, nice “I love Padma” t shirt.  Good to see you love every woman BUT your girlfriend.  Double douche for that one, buddy.   

Toby Young, you are walking a fine line with me.  ”Full blown, unprotected sex”?  Well you seem to have full blown diarrhea of the mouth.  That’s how you talk about meat?  Take a tantric class and leave that shit in the bedroom.  Just because you are thinking it, doesn’t make it either witty or right.  And having Padma stand up to you and you have to tattle on her to Tom, “Well didn’t you say Tom, that we had to judge their food from today…”  She is the genital wart of this show and you are now on her level.  How is that for unprotected?

I get that strong personalities make good tv, but what about the right ones?  People who do their best and stay positive and true, regardless of the nonsense around them.  Carla is someone whose food I would want to eat.  Just listening to her and how she feels about everything she does and feel makes you want to root for her, her spunky quirk works for me.  And Tom’s opinion is still the one that I hear, even though it is muffled by a sexually oppressed Brit and a no talent wannabe-a-chef.  Yes, you Padma.   

What could have been a really informative show on the connection between us and the food we eat became some form of crap I would see on MTV.  I barely remember the dishes!  Less yammering and more cooking.  Shame on Bravo for taking what was a show about cooking and turning it into slutty bitches who cook, or don’t in this case.

Every week I watch Top Chef and it kind of makes me want to cook something, yes I am Goddess of Our Kitchen. Notice I didn’t say THE kitchen. I know where I belong. So in honor of the previous week’s episode, I made a dish inspired by, duh… the previous week’s episode.

I give you… (drumroll) Italian Stalliovis. Fabio is a ravioli machine and I wanted to see if I could pull it off.

Oh yes, I rolled that out with my own two arms, the arms that this morning now hate me. Has anyone ever thought of a cooking workout tape?

Dee-licious filling of venison, ground beef, adouille sausage, mushie shrooms and thyme. Yes, my fingers resemble the shape of baby carrots. I have fat fingers!!! (sob)

Creamy red sauce that I wanted to lick out of the pot.

                                                 Mixed the filling with some cottage cheese and egg and got to fillin’ em up.

Final dish. The biggest raviolis I have ever stuffed into my face. Why did that sound dirty? I love stuffing things into my face! (snicker)

Thanx to G for taking pics, bringing wine and oh yeah, breaking the fucking wine opener. Geez.

Update:  The red sauce that leaps off the screen was just a can of plain tomato sauce, jazzed up with red pepper flakes, 5 cloves of garlic and finished with half a cup of heavy cream.

image by viZZZual.com 

So I was super excited about watching the premiere of Chopped last night.  I’ve got my glass of wine and am snuggling with my beau when he says it, “I think this show is going to suck”.  Of course I got a little defensive, I was all set to love this show.  Cooking competition, mystery ingredients, guest judges and the adorable Ted Allen were set to make a delish little stew of a show.  Um, afraid not. 

By the end of Ted Allen’s intro I was too depressed to finish my wine.  He sounded like a nerdy Robocop, you could watch his eyes reading the prompter.  Not a good start.  The only geek host I want to see is Alton Brown on Iron Chef America, Ted needs to realize that.   AND they kept pimping his Food Detectives during the break.  A second season?  Did people watch the first?  Seriously, I wanna know!   The guest judges were okay, but I would expect to see the same panel at a food festival, not on network tv.  Don’t remember a one of them except Alexandra Guarnaschelli, whose show I have yet to watch, I’m not even sure if it’s aired.  I’ve seen her compete in FoodNetwork challenges and I fear you’re not missin’ much there either. 

The contestants were boring, with the exception of the Texan chef who was the oldest contestant and quite sweet. (old, southern and gay is a great combo if I’ve ever seen one)  He ended up winning.  The others were a vegan chef, the “rock and roll” chef (he had long hair and sideburns, he looked like a tool), and the pastry chef.  I don’t remember their names and how could you be expected to?  Three 30 minute rounds (starter, entree, dessert) and a basket of secret ingredients for each one was enough to keep you occupied.  The premise could have been executed really well had it not been like Amateur Night at the Apollo for cooking.  Yeah, yeah I’m sure these chefs are really great and sweet and whatever other bullshit people can come up with, but when it comes down to it, it was a pitiful display of culinary prowess.  

I vaguely remember the rock and roll chef from the episode of Top Chef where they are judged by the New York chefs who didn’t make it.   He was one of those saying he could do it better.  Dude, you couldn’t even hack a one shot show.  Leave Top Chef for people who have skills or at least personality. 

Each round someone got chopped and I was glad to see them go.  Picking the best dish was like picking the prettiest dandelion out of the weeds.  The winner received $10,000 and he barely broke a sweat.  I’m gonna keep watching though, maybe it’ll get better? (snort)  I have to hope that FoodNetwork isn’t stinking the pits THIS bad.

One thing I did get out of the show was a good night’s sleep.  That show was a fucking snooze fest.

Update: Just caught part of the Top Chef marathon and the rock and roll tool WAS on the show. He was all dressed up to go and make a fool of himself on television. He made the very gracious comment that he thought the food sounded like crap. Hope you found a cure for your foot in mouth disease.

image by ninjapoodles

Tonight is going to be a fun night sitting in front of the tube.  The new Food Network show Chopped is premiering, yay Ted Allen!!  By the way, does ANYONE watch his show Food Detectives?  It is coming back for a second season.  (Shrug)  Whatever.

In non-food related tube news, American Idol is premiering tonight!!  I figure watching a wasted Paula Abdul feeds my soul, so that is nourishment enough for me!

image by CarbonNYC

Last night marked the first wishbone of 2009. Whenever I make a chicken or turkey I like to save the wishbone and make my significant other wish with me. I made chicken salad by the way. If I could make him wish my wish I would, but I guess that is against the rules.

So I figured the wishbone has been around for a hot minute and read online about the origin. Apparently, the Etruscans lived in what is now Italy around 800 and 900 BC. They did no such thing as break the wishbone! They would just stroke it and make their wish. I have about 2 decades of wishes that should have another shot if that is the case.

Here is to hoping your 2009 wishes come true, no matter what you have to break or stroke.

The picture below is our wishbone graveyard. Yes, that is the kitchen window ledge. They are pending wishes… I hope.

            image by Mr. Usaji                                                                       

No, not Kevin Bacon. The GOOD kind!!

I love Iron Chef America, but not enough to watch it when it airs. So as a result I recorded it and was pleasantly surprised today. Battle Bacon. Um… hell yeah. Now I was hoping the Iron Chef was Michael Symon ’cause my man loves the pig, but I knew from the info it was Bobby Flay vs Chef Sursur Lee. Oh well.

Now Alton Brown is great with his quotes and great background info, this show he even whipped out the pig diagram. Hilariously, he said one of the funnier things to pass his lips in some time. He notices Flay’s sous using a technique he called, and I quote, “spanking the pomengranate”. I want it on an apron, a t shirt, whatever.

Everything was wrapped in something fun, whether it was caul fat, bacon, scallops and more bacon. I wanna be mummified in caul fat. It sounds delightful.

Guest judge Mo Rocca thought Canadian Chef Lee should feed his bacon dishes to Celine Dion. I’m thinking a more bacon filled Celine might make her more tolerable.

The special ingredient was bacon, I don’t really remember what happened to the other components of the dishes.

Oh yeah, the battle ended in a draw. Bacon = Everyone wins

Update: Just found this crazy, high-larious bacon dish called the Bacon Explosion. Where was that on Iron Chef? Amateur night at the FoodNetwork apparently.