image by bjortklingd

I am eating a bowl of about 10 raw button mushrooms.  I have already eaten 3 apples.  I am doing okay so far.  Hydrating is the name of the game and this game fucking SUCKS!!  But I am being careful and reading everything I can about juice fasting.  All I can do is stay focused and try and not eat the fridge.  The beautiful, beautiful fridge.  So strong and big and full.  Full of delicious things that are calling at me as I type.  But I am strong dammit.  STRONG. 

What I’ve eaten so far:  3 apples.  10 mushrooms. 

What I wish I was eating:  A roast beef and cheese sandwich.  Horseradish cream.  Wheat bread.  (sigh)

It is no surprise to me that the day I start this juice thang, Denny’s is giving away free food. “Hey there lady who can’t eat anything but fruit and veg, we are giving away pancakes and bacon!” It’s like they are giving me the finger. It hurts.

image by aNantaB

In a haze I see my hand going up and down, up and down.  My body is tired and weak, but I can’t stop.  My mouth is in constant motion, my jaw feels as though it will become unhinged.  I am starting to feel real pain.  My weapon of choice… tortilla chip. 

I have had a tummy ache for about a day and half.  The Superbowl turned me into some crazed cheese fueled loon.  We had about dozen people over for the big game and 3, count it 3, different cheese dips.  No doubt they were delicious: spinach and artichoke, queso and a cheesy jalapeno spread.  Now we had a lot of other food, but for some reason the cheese was calling to me.  The oh so sweet song of indigestion. 

I am now a useless lump on the couch.  But I am also a lump that just went shopping for a whole garden’s worth of fruit and veg.  The beau and I are starting a juice diet.  Tomorrow.  I feel excited, like I may poop my pants.  It could be from the cheese, but I am thinking it is anticipation.  Now I read a book on it, but a single book does not an expert make me.  But the beau has done this a few times, and the promise of shedding some weight has made me his minion… and sex slave.  But apparently while fasting you aren’t allowed to exert too much energy so… well we’ll see I suppose. 

I’m not going to push it.  Tomorrow starts the pre fast and I am going to take it easy peasy lemon sqeezey.  I’m not trying to damage something permanently, I just want to try it and be cleansed.  Doesn’t that sound nice?  Cleansed.  I won’t be cooking any meals for awhile, but I will be drinking food and not drinking booze.  Enjoy the ride, I will be posting the craziness.  Do you think my skin will turn orange from too much carrot juice?

image by Arne Mueseler

I don’t know how it happened, but Fabio became my favorite chef last night.  I suppose it has been coming, I love foreign films, so why wouldn’t I love someone who is constantly needing to be subtitled?  He was on the bottom three last night and I almost shit a Vespa waiting to see if he would be eliminated.  I am the first to talk about the cooking on the show and how that should be the most important thing, but when you do a bullshit challenge like a Super Bowl cook off, my heart just isn’t into it.  Regardless, he overcooked his venison and should have been on the chopping block.  Then rewind to when he is on camera talking about being “a 30 year old sleeping in a bunky bed”.  I will never call them bunk beds again.  His mummy is sick and your heart stretched out a bit when he spoke of wanting to win to help pay her physician bills.  It’s like he opens his mouth and fucking puppies are flying out of it.  People like him are what make reality tv great.  You’ve never met anyone like him, but you want to.  He is a competitor, but it hasn’t turned him into the worst version of himself, can’t say the same for the rest of the cast.  Should Fabio not win, someone would be mad not to give him his own show or special.  I would tune in to watch him cook “a monkey arse with bananas in it”.  I don’t even know what he was talking about when he said that.  The subtitles were off.   

That was the highlight of the show for me, that and Carla winning those Super Bowl tics.  

Everything else was pretty meh.  They brought back “All Stars”.  (snort)  Head to head against the remnants of seasons past was pretty anti climatic.  I didn’t remember half of them, other then the ridiculously hyper Andrew and the annoying lad that wears all the hats, Spike.   

The guest judge, Scott Conant, was kind of a twat, but I liked that he had an opinion and stuck to it.  He wasn’t confined to the role of being a “guest” judge.  

I really don’t remember too much of Tom C.  I get more from him reading his blog then on the show. 

Padma was in a referee’s uniform, remember she is a vital member of the judge’s table.  I mean, someone has to keep the score.  It’s like dressing up the hooker before you fuck her in the butt.  

Toby has become, well… limp.  I’m glad he is turning to constructive criticism, but they sold him as some sharp tongued wit.  When is that going to happen?  He is into analogies, right?  Well, Toby Young was like taking a double dose of Viagra.  Just cause it’s hyped up, doesn’t mean it’s really effective at getting the job done, you can’t just stick it anywhere.   We know the medication works, but what happens when it wears off?  What’s left is just a pale, flaccid cock… with glasses.

 
image by Bohman

There is an ABC game going on and brookem assigned me the letter W.   She informed me I was lucky seeing as how it was the last before the letters start to get ridonkulous.  X, Y and Z are going to have to be pretty creative.  Muah ah ah!!

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The great thing about cooking shows is getting commentary and info from amazing chefs and professionals.  What the hell is Padma Lakshmi doing on Top Chef?  Is she a chef?  No.  Is she a restaurateur?  No.  Was she in the movie Glitter with Mariah Cary?  Yes.

I understand wanting the host to be a beautiful woman, but to food-centric viewers, that sometimes isn’t enough.  I cringe every time she says something, because I know her opinion doesn’t mean shit to me.  I’ve commented on other blogs of my disdain for her and some think I’m nuts.  Well I’m not a dude and I don’t want to sleep with her.  Why is she a judge?  If she was merely the host I’d shut the fuck up.  But no, she gets to have a say and her say sucks.  The panel is full of people with culinary experience and she peddles I Love Padma t shirts for Bravo.  She is the only judge not to blog on the show on the Bravo site.  I guess dating old millionaires is fucking hard work.  She’s trying to earn a living I suppose. 

The woman has a cook book out.  “Easy Exotic: A Model’s Low-fat Recipes From Around The World”.  Awesome.  Is it just pages of doing coke in foreign countries?  What do models eat?  So when the Top Chef gravy train runs dry, can we expect her on the Food Network?  They seem to like giving shows to just about anyone lately.   

I’m watching Top Chef tonight, I keep hoping one night I’ll tune in and Bravo will have gotten a clue.  I just have to repeat it one more time.  She was in the movie Glitter with Mariah Carey.  Yikes.

When you cook for someone on their birthday, you must be prepared for the copious amount of leftovers as well.  Good thing they were BITCHIN!!  Thursday night’s dinner was delicious and fun, spent with good people and good wine. 

We tried singing the Happy Birthday song and someone managed to fuck that up.  They know who they are.  See if we sing for you!

The starter was a creamy zuccini and anchovy soup.  Holy crap this was so good with some crunchy Italian bread.

Nothing says I love you like Chicken Parmigiana.  At least that’s what mine says.  I don’t know about yours.

 
image by Mykl Roventine 

No surprise here, Leah and Hosea hooked up!  Oh wait, I’m talking about a cooking show, right?  The producers at Top Chef  should get the cocks out of their mouths and see what they are doing to the fans of this show.  I barely remember any cooking.  The Cheaters Who Will Never Prosper were all over the screen. 

Everyone is upset at the duo for throwing Ariane under the bus.  They have no other choice but to take solice in one another’s arms.  Yuck, blow me.  I did laugh when Hosea saw the camera and shoved Leah’s head away.  The episode became about how the hook up threw them off their game, well don’t be a skank!  Repent on your own time, I wanna see some good food.  I can’t wait to see Leah in a spread in Maxim, “Ladies of the Night-time Reality TV”. 

Why is it when someone does one dish well, they get suckered into doing it again, just to fall flat? (i.e., Ariane and the lamb)  Carla took a ride on the pastry bus and I think she kind of lost it at judge’s table.  I love her spirit, but first should come the food.  She didn’t try to blame anyone, but instead brought out her alter ego Ms.  Sassafrass.  She was mouthy and practically yelling her responses.  No doubt a product of her nervousness.  I have to admit, yogurt soup, yeah… not so much. 

Toby Young was pretty quiet with the mouth junk.  He made one metaphor and all you had to do was look at Tom’s face to see what an idiot he thinks he is.  I wish Young would just be a smart guy who knows about food rather then a pompous guy who thinks he’s a Hollywood star.  You were a contestant on a reality cooking show as well you twat!!  He slowly loses my respect when he won’t own to being himself versus what he thinks he is.  Just take a look at his blog.  Holy ego Batman.

I’m less excited each week to watch the show.  The food is not that great and neither are the plot lines.  Rhadika was sent home and I didn’t even care.  Usually I am gutted by each dismissal.  Why don’t they just can this season and name Toby Young the winner.  He wouldn’t mind.

 
image by *spud*

Today is Corndog’s birthday!  I am so excited and am getting ready to make a delicious birthday meal, post to follow. 

Babe,  I hope your birthday is as wonderful as you are.  Sorry I couldn’t find that Jabba the Hut costume you wanted me to dress up in.  I guess some wishes don’t come true.  I love you 24.

Today is for love and friends and food and booze and kisses and food and groping and… you get the idea.

image by erix!

Sometimes you have a bad night and it’s hard to shake.  The worst is when it seems to carry over into the next day.  I woke up this morning feeling rather meh.  But when I really thought it about it, I realised there are so many things to look back on and say,

“What was my problem?”

I was in a shitty mood, yes, but I was also in that shitty mood sharing a meal with friends.  I’m stewing over things that I can’t change, while slurping up homemade chicken soup.  I almost forgot to taste it, I was just shoveling it in my mouth, waiting for the meal to be over.  Someone made that soup from scratch and all I can think of is how mad I am.  Those friends ate my gross pie and I flipped out when they were poking fun at it.  That pie was gross, they deserve a medal.  But what’s the point in making things, good or bad, when the joy of sharing it gets lost?  I remember eating a lot of meals alone and I remember that it fucking sucked.

I live in a home constantly filled with the smells of cooking and laughter and chatter.  I guess the only thing I can say to myself is:

I don’t want to miss another meal like the one last night.  I need to pick up and dust off and do it better the next time.  Humph, so there.  I guess I told… myself.

It’s the middle of the week and you get so consumed sometimes you have to put yourself in check.  It’s Hump Day and I need to get over the hump.

So I was interviewed by the very fun and witty Lemmonex and seeing as how I love a good quiz game I figured others might as well.  Rules are as follows:      

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

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1. Your blog is pretty new.  What prompted you to start writing?

I’ve been writing for some time, but not anything in blog form.  I was losing the spark and I missed having fun writing.  My S.O. (significant other) thought I was nuts not to blog about the things I love talking about most: food, the shows I watch about food while eating food and all the bits in between.  I got started and I am really happy with how fun it’s been and getting to know other blog writers through their sites.

2. What is the worst kitchen disaster you have ever had?

Ugh.  I suppose the worst disaster didn’t actually ruin the food.  I was visiting a friend and got really drunk one night.  As we stumbled back to the house I realised that I wanted pancakes in the biggest way.  So pancakes I would have!!  I was too incoherent to remember if I had turned the burner on, so I tested how hot it was with my hand.  I am not so smart when there has been too much whiskey.  The next morning I was belching up maple syrup and wondering why I had a huge burn mark in the shape of a spiral on my palm.  I don’t think the pancakes were worth it seeing as how I don’t remember if they were good and that burn took two months to heal.

3. What is your favorite ingredient?

Hmmm.  I would love to say garlic since I put it in quite a lot of my food, but I don’t think it’s my favorite.  My favorite would have to be brown sugar.  Dark brown to be exact.  I use it in glazes, tomato sauces, oatmeal, tea, anywhere I can get away with it I suppose.  I was never into sugar until I started cooking and learned to use it in foods other then baked goods.

4. Name a hobby besides cooking, please.

Easy, karaoke.  I used to take voice lessons for years, but that is way too serious for something that is neither my career or something I am totally awesome at.  But I love the idea of singing for fun.  I don’t care if people are bad or great, there are some interesting characters at karaoke.  I sing a lot of country.  I relate to the depression and drinking.  And usually I tend to not suck it as bad singing country music. 

5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I suppose I wish I could be really great at just one thing.  Like so many people I know, many of us are pretty good at a bunch of things.  I’m good at spelling, washing the dishes (seriously, I am efficient), playing the clarinet, sudoku, making chicken parmigiana.  But I wish I was great at just one thing, I mean REALLY great.  It doesn’t even matter what it is.  I guess it is just knowing that I am not just a hodge podge of all this “potential” and knowing where my true talent lies.  And if that talent happens to be duck calling then fucking rock and roll!!!  I would want to be the best duck caller I could be.